


Tabloid Trash

by Tiikeria



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Superheroes/Superpowers, Asexual Character, Asexual Ray, M/M, Ragehappy Secret Santa 2014, X-Ray and Vav AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-21
Updated: 2014-12-21
Packaged: 2018-03-02 14:18:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2815088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tiikeria/pseuds/Tiikeria
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Working for a tabloid could sometimes be an entertaining job, and Ryan always managed to get a chuckle out of the insane and far-fetched headlines that would come across his desk for him to upload to the Austin Chronicle’s website. Monster sightings, UFO abductions, and celebrity conspiracy theories were quite common, but none of those were nearly as amusing as the ones centering around a certain superhero duo.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tabloid Trash

**Author's Note:**

> Now that it's finally been released on Tumblr, here's my gift to larziepan for the Ragehappy Secret Santa! She asked for a fic with any asexual character, and, since my latest weakness has been superhero idiots and Rayvinwood, this is what happened. Big thanks to Chewy for helping me out with the trashy headlines.

Working for a tabloid could sometimes be an entertaining job, and Ryan always managed to get a chuckle out of the insane and far-fetched headlines that would come across his desk for him to upload to the Austin Chronicle’s website. Monster sightings, UFO abductions, and celebrity conspiracy theories were quite common, but none of those were nearly as amusing as the ones centering around a certain superhero duo. 

X-Ray and Vav, a strange pair that had seemingly popped up overnight, had taken the city by storm, their faces and deeds printed on every newspaper in the city, and even in the state. The Chronicle was no different, except for the addition of unfounded rumors. 

Only one person at the paper knew the truth, and he sure as hell wasn’t saying anything. After all, Ryan wasn’t about to out his sweet, and slightly idiotic, boyfriends for anything. How does one start dating two superheroes? By knowing them before they don the capes and the ridiculous getups. They had been friends for a while before the relationship evolved, slowly becoming something deeper and more meaningful. It took them a while to admit that maybe they were a bit closer than they thought.

Gavin had been all for it from the get go; Ryan a bit more cautious, but optimistic. It was Ray, surprisingly, that had been apprehensive about starting a three person relationship, citing past breakups as the reasoning. Ryan knew that wasn’t all, but he didn’t pry. Ray would tell them he when he was ready.

The three of them fell into a comfortable routine, eventually even moving in together, buying a house on the south side, one just big enough for them, and their growing collection of pets. It was a perfect sort of domesticity, and Ryan liked it that way. 

And what evening cuddle wouldn’t be complete without Ryan catching them up on the “news” of the day.

"So, apparently, Vav’s actually a woman," Ryan grinned, Gavin stretching along his side, Ray chuckling softly.

"Damn, who told? They figured out my greatest secret!" he flopped over, laying his head in Ryan’s lap, demanding his fingers to run through the sandy locks, "I’m ruined!"

"Have they seen your chest?" Ray piped up, still snickering, "No woman I’ve ever seen has that much fucking hair on their boobs."

"And how many women have you seen, Ray?" Ryan smoothly teased, well aware of his lover’s virginity.

"None, but that’s not the point."

Ray’s virginity had started out as a bit of a sore point for the man, for reasons he never shared, and they never pried. Eventually, though, when he figured out they weren’t put out by his lack of experience, and that they didn’t expect any sort of sexual intimacy unless Ray wanted it, he finally loosened up about it, joining them in the teasing, often mocking himself playfully.

"Anything else stupid happen today?" Gavin hummed softly, watching his eldest boyfriend contentedly.

"Nah, just the same old. Well, unless you said something while I was at work. Then, yeah, maybe something stupid did happen."

"Ryan! Don’t be a mong!"

Ray smirked as he snuggled closer to the broad chested man, “Does his vocabulary count? It’s pretty fucking stupid.”

"I’d count it."

"You both are terrible, and I don’t know why I love you."

"It’s because I’m funny as fuck, and Ryan has a big dick," the youngest shot back with a widening grin, the playful banter coming as easily as anything else in the world; the teasing and ribbing had been the basis of their friendship, and it definitely hadn’t changed when they made the step into romance. 

"I don’t know about that first part, Ray. But, yeah, Ryan definitely has a big dick."

"I don’t know if I should be flattered, or if I should be insulted," he mused idly, watching the two play off each other, Gavin reaching over to poke Ray in the side, hoping to tickle him gently, "I’m flattered because I apparently have a nice package. I’m insulted at the insinuation that it’s the only reason Gavin keeps me around."

"It’s okay, Ry, I keep you because you’re smart."

"Because I fix your Xbox."

"Like I said, you’re smart."

Superhero boyfriends could be the worst.

##

"So, what happened today, Rye-bread?" Ray questioned before taking far too big of a bite of his pizza, the cheese coming away in messy strings. Ryan simply shook his head at the younger man in fond exasperation as the cheese coated his chin. He was so glad they had decided to sit in the corner, away from the other patrons in the pizza place.

Ryan took a bite, one far less messy than Ray’s, and hummed quietly, thinking for a moment. He swallowed, and finally answered the question, “Well, supposedly, Gavin’s dating a model from LA named Meg Turney.”

"Why are they always about me? Where’s the trashy stuff about Ray?" Gavin pouted quietly, his pizza abandoned on his plate.

"At least you’re dating a model, asshole," Ray shot back, before losing his fight to the cheese again.

"I’m already dating a model. Well, he was a model, and he was damn good at it."

"I didn’t know you were a model, Ray," Ryan grinned, laughing as Ray struck a pose, cheese still stuck to his chin, "Why didn’t you say anything?"

"I was an underwear model, so I could show off my giant dick."

Gavin huffed, trying, and failing, to hide a smile, “Shut up, Ray.”

"Make me."

A kiss later, and the cheese was finally gone from Ray’s chin. Unfortunately, it had now made a home on Gavin’s. Not that any of them cared.  

##

Sometimes, he wasn’t fond of the news. Sometimes, the news made his heart stop, fear gripping his insides. Sometimes, the news reminded him that, despite what it may seem, X-Ray and Vav were not invincible. They were still men. Men with extraordinary powers, but men all the same. 

Sometimes, that fear wouldn’t release him until he went home, finding their close friend, Jack, patching up whatever wound the duo managed to suffer, and pulling them into his arms, reminding himself that, yes, they were still there, and, no, they hadn’t been killed trying to save others’ lives. For all the good they did, Ryan couldn’t help but be afraid.

Afraid that, one day, the news would tell him something he didn’t want to hear, and that he wouldn’t be able to pull his boys into his arms when he finally got home.

##

Ryan feigned disapproval as he stepped into the living room, frowning as best he could while suppressing the urge to laugh. The two heroes looked up from their very comfortable spot on the couch, both looking innocently confused as to why their newly arrived boyfriend looked upset with them.

"Gavin did it," Ray stated, almost instinctively, earning himself a squeak and a glare from his partner-in-crimefighting. 

"Apparently, you both did it. Without me. And taped it," Ryan tried to stay as neutral as he could, the urge to laugh almost becoming too much, "Looks like we have proof that Ray isn’t a virgin anymore."

They caught on pretty quickly, joining Ryan in the charade, schooling their features into mortified looks, “Not our sex tape! How did it get out? Did someone hack our computer?”

"We were going to tell you, Ryan, we were! We were going to give you the tape as a gift. Thought you might like it," Ray pleaded with their boyfriend, before the three of them cracked, laughing loudly, Gavin eagerly pulling Ryan down onto the couch with them, giving him a welcome home kiss, Ray taking his place against Ryan’s side happily.

"If you guys make a sex tape, I want in. Deal?" Ryan snorted playfully, pulling his boys close to him, kicking off his shoes and getting comfy, ready for a relaxing cuddle to soothe away the stress of the workday.

"Deal. I mean, how could we make a sex tape without our Ry?"

Ray stayed silent, Ryan catching the glazed look in Ray’s brown eyes, filing it away for later musing. It meant something, for sure.

##

"They got a picture of you two kissing," Ryan spoke conversationally as he stirred the pasta sauce, glancing over his shoulder at the two men sitting at the breakfast bar, "It’s gonna be on the front page tomorrow."

"When did they get that?" Gavin honestly looked confused, not because they were caught kissing, but because he couldn’t remember when it would have happened.

"When you helped evacuate that apartment block that had the gas explosion," Ryan replied, turning back to the stove, this time prodding at the noodles, "Luckily, the headline will make it seem like you two are Photoshopped into making out."

"Why, what’s the headline?"

Ryan chuckled quietly to himself, “Superheroes or Super Gay? Are X-Ray and Vav in a Secret Affair?”

"Jesus," Gavin squeaked, nearly falling off the stool with his laughter. Ray wasn’t much better, head on the counter, shoulders shaking.

"I’m going with super fucking gay."

"I’m just impressed they’re kinda running a real story," Ryan grinned, "At least it’s basically true."

"You right. Wait, that means…GAVIN, YOU OWE ME DINNER, FUCKER."

"Damnit."

He loved having boyfriends who bet dinners on the journalistic integrity of his employer. And that wasn’t in sarcasm.

##

"Geez, Ray, for someone so innocent, I never would have pinned you as a perv," Ryan chuckled upon arriving home that night, pulling the Lad into his arms. It was just them tonight, Gavin off with Geoff, presumably getting smashed, their favorite pastime. Ryan kissed Ray’s cheek in greeting, Ray giving him a bemused look, a smile still playing on his lips, "Abusing your powers to check out women’s underwear. I’m disappointed."

Ray let himself play into the story, forcing his features into an apologetic look, “I’m sorry, Ryan, I just couldn’t help it. I have the mentality of a twelve-year-old boy.”

"As long as you’re looking at me and Gavin, too, I’m okay with it," Ryan grinned, pulling Ray into the kitchen to start dinner, looking forward to spending some much needed one-on-one time with his favorite Hispanic. Ray laughed quietly, something hidden in the sound, one that Ryan felt he needed to question, but kept quiet.

"I don’t have to use my powers for that; you two walk around in your underwear enough."

"I don’t hear you complaining."

"Why would I? I get to see the best view of your ass."

At the mention of his backside, he playfully shook it in Ray’s direction, earning him a fond shake of the head, “And you claim to be the most mature in this relationship.”

"Hey! I am. I just have my moments."

"At least you can cook. I’m hungry, Chef Nice-Ass," Ryan laughed at the nickname, the sound filling the home’s cozy kitchen, Ray patting himself on the back for making the sound erupt from Ryan’s lips. Success.

"One dinner, coming right up, perv. Don’t stare at my ass too much; I’m not cleaning your drool up off the counter."

"I take it back; you’re Chef Asshole."

"And you love me."

Ray gave him a bright smile, finally hopping up onto the counter, settling himself, Ryan coming over to give him another kiss, loving and gentle, Ray murmuring into the action, “Yeah. Yeah, I do.”

##

Sometimes, he could tell the headlines struck a chord in his boys, and, sometimes, he could tell they went too far. Those times never included playful teasing, but more soothing cuddles and activities to take their minds off the ridiculous claims. He couldn’t blame them, when the paper was accusing Ray of having an illegitimate child by some woman he had never met, or that Gavin was anorexic and struggling to keep it together. Yeah, the ones proclaiming the men to be aliens, or debating over whether Vav’s ass was better than X-Ray’s package - something they had playfully debated over ice cream and bad movies.

He had made a habit of staying quiet when those headlines were printed, taking in the scowl of disapproval on Gavin’s face, and the almost pained sadness on Ray’s, and made it his personal mission to make it better, to make them laugh and smile, to see the expressions he had fallen in love with over and over again.

Sometimes, though, it was Ryan’s own anger that needed curbing; they always knew, when he came home, smile not quite reaching his eyes, that the news day had been a hard one for him. Despite his reputation of being detached and a bit loony, his boys knew that Ryan had a heart larger than anyone they knew. So, when something upset him, it really upset him. Those nights were spent with cuddles and cookies - Ryan’s favorite treat - and maybe some greasy pizza or boxes upon boxes of takeout Chinese. They would watch horror movies so bad they were hilarious, or play some co-op games where they could all laugh and playfully mess with each other. 

These nights Ryan was reminded that it wasn’t just them the news effected, that got under their skin. It was all of them. 

Luckily, they had each other to make it right.

##

It was one of those nights when Ray finally told them, his shoulders tense and hands shaking lightly as he clasped them together.

Ryan had come home that night, shoulders tight and smile barely there; he boys knew, like they always did, and instantly had him on the couch in a warm cuddle pile, giving him updates as to who they saved that day, and what heroics they got themselves into, often with a hint of exaggeration (“Gavin, you fought a thirty pound cat, not a tiger.” “It looked like a tiger, though!”). Slowly, Ryan’s smile would widen, become brighter, the smile they loved to see.

Then came the inevitable question.

“So…what did the assholes say about us today?” Gavin was the one to question, his voice still quiet, something the other two marveled every time it happened. Quiet Gavin was a rarity, but it was very much a treat when it happened.

Ryan sighed softly, holding his boys closer, taking a moment to gather his thoughts, “Another sex tape surfaced, apparently with two guys who look a lot like you. It’s supposedly super incredibly raunchy and a bit…kinky. The tape has gone viral, too, which doesn’t help.”

Ray had tensed beside him, looking anywhere but at his boys. Ryan knew, just knew, whatever the Puerto Rican had been holding back all this time was on his mind, and, suddenly, he had the desire to know. To understand just what was hiding in that mind of his. Gavin had noticed, too, head cocking to the side as he sat up a bit, regarding Ray with silent contemplativeness.

“Ray? What’s wrong?” the youngest bit his lip, shifting to sit up, his back to them, obviously debating whether to tell them or not. Whatever it was, it seemed to be a heavy weight on the man, one Ryan knew both he and Gavin were more than willing to lift from his shoulders. Ryan’s hand gently moved to run up and down Ray’s back, his fingers trying to smooth the tension from the muscles, “You can tell us, we promise." 

Ray let out a soft, humorless laugh, the two still reclining sitting up to be on either side of the morose man; Gavin took Ray’s hand in his own, lacing the fingers together. Ryan wrapped a strong but gentle arm around his shoulders, waiting for Ray to make the first move. Eventually, the dark-haired man began to speak, voice wavering softly.

“My relationships don’t normally last very long after they find out. Apparently, what I can give isn’t enough for them. For anyone.”

They stayed silent, afraid to break the spell that seemed to be hanging over them, Ray’s head hanging as he spoke once more, confirming the suspicions Ryan had been harboring for months.

“I…I don’t like sex. I never really have…I just…don’t see the need for it. The fun in it. I’ve never tried it, no, but…I’ve never wanted to. The idea…just kinda grosses me out, to be honest. Hell, when I was in high school, no one could believe that I didn’t jack off all the time like the rest of them. I can count on one hand how many times I actually had. They all thought I was fucked up, that, because I had no desire to bang anything that moved, that there was something wrong with me. 

“I guess…eventually…I started to believe them. And I started hiding it. Cracking jokes. It worked, and, for a while, I used it to keep it hidden. Then I started dating, started having crushes and shit. It’d be great for a while, then, they would want to bang and I would start the excuses. It’s a fucking cycle. I make shit up, they start to feel like it’s them, they leave. All the while, I’m the one that’s fucking messed up. I wanted so much to just…be fucking fixed. To be goddamn  _normal._  But…I…I can’t. I can’t and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Seeing Ray cry was one of the most heartbreaking things Ryan had ever had the displeasure of seeing; watching his shoulders shake with suppressed sobs as he let go of everything that had built up in his short life, neither one hesitated to pull him into a hug, Ray burying his face in the front of Ryan’s button down, Gavin resting his head on Ray’s shoulder as his chest pressed to the smaller man’s back. They stayed like that, holding their boyfriend until the sobs quieted and all that remained were soft hiccups in their place. They were waiting, waiting for him to be ready for what they both needed to say; one glance at Gavin, and he knew they were both in the same place, thinking the same thing.

“Ray? Ray, look at me,” Ryan’s voice was a low rumble, soothing as he could make it. He waited patiently until Ray peeked up, eyes rimmed in red. Gently, Ryan plucked the glasses from his nose, placing them on the coffee table before he began to speak, making sure Ray was still looking up at him, “There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Nothing. Nothing about you needs fixed, and fuck anyone who says otherwise.”

“So what if you don’t want to do the do,” Gavin added in, Ray peeking back at him, unrestrained hope in his eyes, “As long as you love us, we don’t need anything else.”

“Gav’s right. All we want from you is your love. And maybe a few other things,” Ryan gave the man a soft smile to reassure him, Ray looking a bit hesitant about the last part, “Like your smile.”

“Your laugh is pretty bloody top, too. I’d like to have that.”

“Your cuddles are great; your snoring not so much, but we’ll live.”

“I don’t snore, you asshole,” Ray hiccuped behind a slowly growing smile, “Gavin does, though.”

“I do not!”

“Do, too,” Ryan threw in smoothly, his smile widening as Ray offered him one in return, “We don’t expect much, Ray, I promise, and we’ll never do anything you don’t want to do. Your happiness - the happiness of both of you - is my priority, and nothing will get in the way of that. I promise.”

“So…so, you guys…aren’t upset? You aren’t mad?” the meekness was back, as if Ray was expecting them to tell them that their previous words were nothing more than a cruel joke. He needed to hear it. To get that confirmation.

“Why would we be? Sex isn’t important,” Gavin stated, almost matter-of-factly, before letting a teasing grin curl his lips, “Besides, it means more of Ryan’s dick for me.”

Ray let out a snort, trying to stifle a soft laugh as Ryan raised an eyebrow, “You assume you’re going to get my dick at all.”

“Ryan! Don’t be a mong!”

Ryan shook his head, stage whispering to the New Yorker still cuddled into his chest, “He’s definitely not getting any until he learns fucking English.”

Ray let out a genuine laugh at that, pulling back a bit to wipe at his cheeks, ridding them of the tear stains, “That’ll never happen.”

“Looks like neither one of you will ever get my dick, then,” Ryan grinned, pleased to see the smile still lingering on Ray’s lips as Gavin pouted and mumbled about “asshole boyfriends being absolute plebs.”

Ray was the one to break the comfortable silence as he settled himself back against Ryan, the elder gently running his fingers through Ray’s soft locks, “Thank you.”

Gavin quieted, settling back down and snuggling close to Ray, the three content to stay there for as long as humanly possible, or, at least the rest of the night. Ryan was the one to softly reply, hearing the super duo’s breathing start to even out, “Anything for you.”

##

To say he was surprised to see Gavin show up to his work the next day would have been a lie; he was, however, a bit surprised to see not Gavin, but Vav, standing amongst gaping journalists and editors and designers, arms crossed and eyes narrowed behind the red and white mask. Ryan quietly sat back, smirking, giving Gavin a wink when the man caught his eye.

This was going to be good.

“I’d like to have a word with the Editor-in-Chief, if I could. I have something I need to discuss with them,” Gavin was so different when he was in his superhero mode, voice strong, unwavering, not the voice of a man who often squawked like a bird when startled. Ryan would have been fooling himself if he said he didn’t find the change in demeanor hot as fuck. 

That would have to wait; Vav had a mission. One that Ryan and Gavin had devised as Ray slept peacefully on his chest. It was about time the trash was stopped and the tabloid own up to their shitty practices. And what better way than to have one of their favorite subjects show up in the middle of the office on a Wednesday?

He could hear one of the interns shakily calling Ms. Winston from her office, the stern middle-aged woman stepping out of the threshold; watching the blood drain from her face was a beautiful sight, and Ryan suppressed a laugh.

“Ms. Winston, I presume? Yes, I believe I need to have a few words with you. You see, it has come to X-Ray and I’s attention that your… _newspaper_ , if you honestly refer to this garbage as, has been running rather unflattering articles about us. Now, normally, we can deal with that kind of thing; after all, being in the public eye does lend to that sort of thing. However, I’m starting to believe your readers deserve much more than the lies you and your employees are spreading on a daily basis. Like the truth,” Yeah, Gavin was so much more attractive like this, Ryan decided, filling away the fact that Gavin did, in fact, know proper English, for when he could tease the man with Ray by his side.

“We do tell the truth; I apologize if it’s not the truth you want the public to see,” by the way Gavin’s nostrils flared, the editor was about to get an earful. Brave, stupid Ms. Winston.

“Can you back up your claims? Your truths? Can every one of your journalists produce facts backing your headlines? I’m a man of the law, Ms. Winston, and I happen to know a bit about the laws surrounding your practices. Now, either you start doing it right, or you may find yourself on the receiving end of a lawsuit. Slander is no laughing matter, Ms. Winston.”

Ryan didn’t think the woman could go any paler than she already had been. However, he was proven wrong. And it was very entertaining.

“Now, do I have your word, Ms. Winston, or do I need to get in touch with someone?” A shaky nod answered his statement and Vav let a bright smile cross his face, “Brilliant! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I owe my boyfriends a lunch. Ryan? Ready to go meet X-Ray? There might not be any pizza left if we take too much longer.”

Ryan smirked as every head turned to look at him; he picked up his bag, shouldering it before sauntering over to Vav’s side, sharing an amused grin with his lover, “Yup. Let’s get out of here. I at least want one piece of pizza.”

Before Vav managed to teleport them away, Ryan turned to look at the gaping editor, smirk growing ever wider, “By the way, Ms. Winston? I’ve put up with a bit too much trash, thanks, and I’m not talking about the headlines. I quit.”

Gavin’s laughter at the opened mouth shock rang in his ears as they disappeared, leaving Ryan with the most satisfying last look at his former boss he had ever seen.

No one messed with his boys. No one.


End file.
